[04/29/2003] [04/07/2003] [03/21/2003]

04/29/2003
Little one has passsed away. Yesterday we went for a routine ultrasound, and found that Little One has no heartbeat. The estimate is that he/she died a couple of weeks ago, based on development. I will be having a D&C within the next few days to remove the remains. We may be able to find out what happened through chromosomal analysis, as well as finding out the gender.

As the emotional roller coaster nears its sad end, I am constantly aware of how fortunate I am to have David by my side. He has been wonderfully supportive and compassionate. His only concern is how I am doing, and if there is anything he can do to help make things easier for me. I love and appreciate him now more than ever.

04/07/2003
Last week we saw the perinatologist Dr Newman. He did seem concerned that I continue to bleed, as are we all. He wants to see me weekly until that resolves. David and I both feel that Dr. Newman is someone we can work with. We understand and accept that no one knows what is going to happen with this pregnancy, and that we might lose this baby.

Although I am still bleeding, it is minimal. It does feel like it has diminished quite a bit. For now, we're hanging in there and taking this pregnancy one day at t a time. Not the easiest thing to do. It's hard to realize that I am not in charge of what is going on in my own body. Let go and let God.

03/21/2003
Well, the last few days have been something of an emotional roller coaster for us. On Tuesday, 03/18, we had our first prenatal appointment. Everything seemed fine. Based on the development, the estimated due date is around 09/28/2003. The baby's heart was beating just fine, and it was wiggling for us quite obligingly.

So on Wednesday, I woke up and was bleeding. It was more liquid, and I was afraid my water had broken. We went in again and saw our nurse practitioner (Colette Kaufman (who is wonderful and saw us through the pregnancy with Isaac)) for the second day in a row. She took a look and said it looked like my cervix was slightly open. On ultrasound everything looked fine. She did have one of the physicians (Dr. Guerra) come and take a look. He looked at the ultrasound, and asked if I had been told I have at least one fibroid. This is the first time I had heard that. He did say that they would not be willing to stitch the cervix closed, since if I was trying to miscarry, halting the process could cause all sorts of problems, up to and including infection or rupture of the uterus. Ms. Kaufman did say she suspected that I would miscarry, but that was just a gut feeling on her part.

That evening, around seven, I went to the bathroom, and unexpectedly passed a huge clot. I estimate that the volume was between half and a full cup. I freaked out, to say the least. I was convinced I had just miscarried. I called the Alta Bates advice nurse, and was told that I could come in, but probably didn't need to, unless I had a lot of pain (of which there had been none except very mild cramping) or bleeding heavily. After passing the clot, the bleeding basically stopped.

Yesterday (Thursday the 20th) we went to see Ms. Kaufman again (third visit in as many days). The initial thought was that I had miscarried, and we needed to be sure the process was complete, and that no D&C was needed. So she revs up the ultrasound machine, and says "I see Baby!" She had initially not let us see the monitor, but turned it so we could see. Little One had a good heartbeat, and was being very wiggly! Apparently he/she had not been traumatized at all, unlike the parents!

My suspicion is that if there is indeed a fibroid, that formed an irregularity where the blood clotted. That had then been passed, leaving the placenta alone. Since then, the bleeding has stopped. It is possible that the fibroid also caused a slight problem with bleeding during the pregnancy with Isaac.